i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Congratulations! We have a period
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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