Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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