I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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