I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
