textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
