I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
