Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
