He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Text me some of your sweat
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
