the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
