Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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