I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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