Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
