Porn is love you can see.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
