i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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