I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
