You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
