thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
