just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
