I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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