That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
