When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize