Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
