i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
