I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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