Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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