Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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