first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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