tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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