It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
