when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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