it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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