hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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