when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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