I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
