a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
