i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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