i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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