it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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