I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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