I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
