this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
