You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
