you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
