did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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