I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
