Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize