sarcasm needs its own font
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
