Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
