he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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