Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
