So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
