You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize