Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize