PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
