I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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