She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
