I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
