I'm gonna have a badass scar
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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