Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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