dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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