I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When are your genitals available?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
