one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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