he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You are the jesus of drinking
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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