sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
