I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
