Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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