New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
