Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
