i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
