I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
