I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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