you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
